|A More Perfect Society
||[05 Mar 2010|02:06am]
"We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union..."
These words introduced the Constitution of the United States, and made it clear what all people desire: A Perfect Society. One that works.
But what is the best definition of a perfect society? What laws must it have and enforce, and what kind of people must reside in that governed body? Would the very existence of laws negate a community's perfection as laws should only exist when needed? How would such a culture survive and manage to avoid an abusive dictatorial leadership? Would humans need to change the very basic core of their identity - the very things that makes us human? Or could we somehow find a comfortable middle-ground between a perfect government and a perfect people?
What do you feel would be a definition of a perfect society?
Would a perfect people need laws as they would have no desire to violate the safety and happiness of their neighbors?
Could a perfect government enforce laws without commanding its people to submit unconditionally to it?
What do you think?
(yeah, this has kept me up tonight)
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||[07 May 2006|06:02pm]
Some people are like Slinkies.
Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
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||[28 Apr 2006|09:09pm]
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the
pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you
The lady then explained she needed it to poison
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord
have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your
husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license, and they'll throw both of us in jail and
all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely
not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled
out a picture of her husband in bed with the
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well, Hell, you didn't tell me you had a
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|The Koala and the Little Lizard
||[14 Mar 2006|08:37pm]
A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
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||[14 Mar 2006|08:23pm]
1. Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set.
2. A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, Night.
3. On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers.
4. I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Wasn't Familiar Territory.
5. 42.7 Percent Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.
6. Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some People Appear Bright Until You Hear Them Speak.
7. I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.
8. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.
9. Half The People You Know Are Below Average.
10. He Who Laughs Last, Thinks Slowest.
11. Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.
12. The Early Bird Gets The Worm; But The Second Mouse Gets The Cheese.
13. I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.
14. Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some People Have.
15. Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week.
16. A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.
17. Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.
18. Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade!
19. Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.
20. Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!
21. If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Couple Of Payments.
22. How Many Of You Believe In Psycho-Kinesis? Raise My Hand.
23 Ok, So What's The Speed Of Dark?
24. How Do You Tell When You're Out Of Invisible Ink?
25. If Everything Is Going Well, You Have Overlooked Something.
26. When Everything's Coming Your Way, You're In The Wrong Lane.
27. Hard Work Pays Off In The Future. Laziness Pays Off Now.
28. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do Not Have Film.
29. If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?
30. How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges?
31. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into Jet Engines.
32. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?
33. I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept Falling Out.
34. I Couldn't Repair Your Brakes, So I Made Your Horn Louder.
35. Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?
36. Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person Wondering What Happened
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||[09 Nov 2005|03:49pm]
Washington D.C. - A convict broke out of jail in Washington
D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to
her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich.
She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police
officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned
to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
Ionia, Michigan - When two service station attendants
refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the
man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so
the robber called the police and was arrested.
Radnor, Pennsylvania - Police interrogated a suspect by
placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with
wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was
placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button
each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect
Toronto, Canada - A gas station attendant had no trouble
identifying a robber for police, even though the man had
worn a pair of women's panties over his head as a disguise.
The thief, who later admitted that his mind was clouded by
intoxicants, had stuck his face through one of the leg-holes
so he could see.
Modesto, CA - Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to
hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used
a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately,
he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
Virginia Beach - A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty
surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money
exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently
stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was
running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping
around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an
explosion taking place inside his pants."
Los Angeles, California - Police in Los Angeles had good
luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control him-
self during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the
lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
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||[04 Nov 2005|10:58am]
Pilots and Ground Crews
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, or discrepancy sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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||[03 Nov 2005|05:32pm]
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. (No wonder my house is so DUSTY! )
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first "Marlboro Man."
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
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||[30 Jul 2005|08:11pm]
Recently I received a warning about the use of the
above politically incorrect phrase.
I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists who
hate our guts, our religions, our freedom and our way
of life in general - and want to kill all of us for
the greater glory of Allah - do not like to be called
This is because the item they wear on their heads is
not a towel but actually a small, folded sheet.
Therefore, from this point forward you need to refer
to them as " Sheet Heads"
Thank you for your support and compliance on this
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|Dogs & Cats Diary's
||[05 Jul 2005|02:02pm]
EXCERPTS FROM A DOGS DIARY
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat
dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of
escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional
piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the
top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite
chair... must try this on their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to
strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended
about what a good little Cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
Reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it
included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds
could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of
thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I
was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear
the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they
call "beer.." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was
due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to
use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkeys and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has
got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain
he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal
room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of
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||[18 Jun 2005|02:26pm]
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
talking........and one blonde says to the other:
"Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?
"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "And, how often do I have to do that?"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday one of you takes away my license and then today you
expect me to show it to you!"
There's this blonde out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
back, "You ARE on the other side."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're
going at night!"
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLOOOOOO," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
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|Sent to me, thought I'd share ;)
||[24 May 2005|10:37am]
THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. All women's troubles begin with men: men-opause, men-struation,
his-terectomy, men-tal illness!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times
27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
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|Cowboy's Guide to Life
||[21 May 2005|02:07pm]
* Your fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong.
* Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jest happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm, 'cause the colder
it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches
you shave his face in the mirror every mornin'.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it in.
* Don't squat with you'r spurs on.
* Never fry bacon naked.
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||[11 May 2005|10:13pm]
The French Leader got a coded message from Bush Administration.
It read: S370HSSV-0773H
The French were stumped and sent for the French Information Agency.
The FIA was stumped too, so it went to the Russians.
The Russians couldn't solve it either, so they asked the Germans.
The Germans, having received this same message during W.W.II from the Americans, suggested turning it upside down ...
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